Behind the Scenes
by madkin
Summary: He's not annoyed that she was mean. He's annoyed because his talented, complex girlfriend will be acting out a caricature of herself once again./ A darker look at Beck and Jade (and possibly the whole cast if I'm inspired).
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is going to be a little different from other fanfictions I've written. It's kind of a darker version of Assumed Moments. It's not the same and I won't be making the same narrative choices. It's just essentially a different way to interpret what happened off screen with Beck and Jade. "Episodes" are going to be shorter than in Assumed Moments most likely, but I'll try to post a couple episodes a chapter so that they're longer._

Also, this may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression.

* * *

 **Pilot**

Jade glares at her boyfriend as they leave Sikowitz's class. "Seriously?"

Beck avoids her gaze as best he can considering that they're holding hands and walking to the same place. Once they reach Jade's scissor-covered locker, he finally turns to look at her. He wants to see anger and jealousy. After all, she did just pour iced coffee all over a girl's head. But instead, all he sees is irritation. But at least that's something.

"What was that?"

That was him flirting with the new girl. But he knows that's not what she was asking. But he also can't tell her that he was trying to force her to feel… something, anything. He can't tell her that he's frustrated. That he wants his girlfriend back. "It was nothing."

Jade rolls her eyes and opens her locker. She switches out her books before slamming the door closed. She starts to walk away before she turns back to him. "You coming?" Beck knows by her tone that whatever irritation she was feeling a minute ago is gone now, but he still searches her eyes. The only thing left is exhaustion.

Beck pushes himself away from the wall. "Yeah, of course." Once he gets close enough she laces her fingers with his and he feels some small measure of comfort in that.

* * *

"Jade!" Beck stops as he glares at his girlfriend. "If you're not going to say something the least you could do is look at me while I argue with myself."

Jade sighs and turns to look at Beck. He's anxiously pacing in front of her. Just looking at him makes her tired. "Better?'

Beck pauses as he studies her. She's sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall with her knees up. Everything about her looks heavy like gravity is pulling more on her than anything else in the room. He takes a deep breath and walks over to her. He sits down next to her, copying her position. He leans his head against the wall and closes his eyes. "I thought it would help."

"You know it doesn't work that way."

"I know." Beck runs his fingers through his hair. "I just… you've been this way for months and usually, it doesn't stay this way for so long and I just thought that… I don't know what I thought."

"You thought it would be a catalyst." Beck looks over at her and meets her stare. "That maybe we could move on from this phase."

"It seemed like maybe it was working yesterday. And I just thought that if I pushed it a step further that maybe something would, I don't know, shift." He knows that's not how it works. That there's nothing he could do that would positively shift this. He knows from experience that something like this could even make it worse. "I'm sorry. I just...miss you." He shrugs helplessly.

Jade leans her head against his arm. "Me too."

Beck kisses the top of her head. He doesn't know what else to do. He just wants to connect with her again, but he knows that as long as she feels like this there's nothing he can do.

* * *

 **The Bird Scene**

Beck almost feels like today could be a good day. Jade doesn't have her wall up quite as high as usual and he thinks that maybe this will be a start. And then Tori does the bird scene.

"Oh, come on! How am I supposed to do the scene right if no one will tell me what I did wrong? I thought you guys were my friends," Tori whined.

Jade is leaning into him and if he's honest he's not paying a lot of attention to Tori. But Jade is. " _I'm_ not your friend." Beck resists rolling his eyes as he follows Jade over to the vending machine. He's not annoyed that she was mean. He's annoyed because his talented, complex girlfriend will be acting out a caricature of herself once again.

"Do you have to do this today?" No one is close enough to hear him, but he whispers anyway.

"Do what?" She's not even looking at him. More concerned with picking out a drink.

He tugs on the hand he's still holding. "Jade."

She glances over at him and sees his pleading expression. "Beck, just leave it alone."

"No, just… we can just do us today, okay? We can skip the classes we don't have together and eat lunch alone and we don't have to talk to anyone else. Today can just be us."

Jade squeezes his hand and says, "I can't. Not today."

Beck feels his heart sink, but he nods. She's never explained to him what exactly the difference is between a day they can just do them and a day she needs to play the caricature of herself. But he knows better than to push, so he turns his attention back over to their group of friends. "Number one rule of the bird scene: No one's allowed to help you."

* * *

He offers to show Tori his locker. He knows that he hasn't been that great at making her feel welcome. He's spent too much using Tori to get a reaction out of Jade and then being annoyed with Tori for making it so easy for Jade to slip into the one-dimensional impression Tori has of her. But she's new and nice and could be a good friend if he just stopped putting her in the middle of his relationship.

"Clear?" Tori looks confused and unimpressed.

"Transparent. I've got no secrets and neither does my locker." When he first started at Hollywood Arts this was true.

"But, ugh, that is creative and deep." But it's a lie now. He thinks that once he started going along with Jade's act and started lying to their friends and teachers to cover for Jade is when that stopped being true. Because even though the secret isn't his, he's been hiding it for over a year.

"Yeah." He shrugs. Maybe showing Tori his locker wasn't the best way to make nice. Because now he kind of blames her for making him lie about his locker. It's been so long since he decorated it that he hasn't had to explain it to anyone since it became untrue.

* * *

Beck figures he should try again with Tori, so when Jade mentions going out to eat he invites her. It would be good for him and for Jade to start getting used to Tori because he has a feeling she isn't going anywhere based on how much Andre and Cat liked her.

But when he turns around to follow the group out, Jade is glaring at him. He knows Tori assumes it's because she's jealous, but he's not sure. She could be faking it. She could have wanted it to just be them. Or she could actually be jealous. He has to remember to ask her later.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: New chapter :)_

 _This may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

 **Stage Fighting**

Beck sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair. He's sitting on the girl's bathroom counter while Jade wipes off the black-eye makeup. "Why'd you fake it?"

Jade wets another paper towel. "I wanted to feel like you still cared."

He can't keep doing this with her. He cares so fucking much and no matter what he does or how he says it, it never sticks. "My voice has to mean more than the one in your head, okay? At least when it comes to how much I love you."

She doesn't respond and just when he's debating about whether to say it again, she whispers, "I love you too."

* * *

 **Jade Dumps Beck**

Beck rolls his eyes as Jade follows him down the main stairs. "We're not done talking about this!"

"I am," he calls back. Jade can't seriously be mad at him for making new friends. Especially when she's been so emotionally distant. He needs someone to hang out with who doesn't know Jade or the rest of their friends. Someone who he doesn't have to hide Jade's secret from. Not that he would ever tell Alyssa, but not having to watch his every word in case it might tip someone off is a huge weight off his shoulders. That's why he'd taken up yoga to begin with.

Beck hears his phone beep. Jade's haughty comment follows soon after. Beck pulls out his phone. Of course, it's another text from Alyssa. He agrees that Alyssa is texting him way too often considering they just met and he has a girlfriend, but he's never going to concede that in the middle of their school with everyone staring at them.

If Beck is being honest, he's not paying much attention to their fight. He doesn't know why Jade is picking this fight and he doesn't really care. He figures that if he doesn't feed into it, it'll fizzle out by lunch.

But then he hears Jade declare, "We're done."

Beck stands there in shock. He's vaguely aware he's still talking, but it's all autopilot. Did she really just break up with him over this? A few text messages are what she's going to leave him over. After all of the fights and compromises, they've made in order to make this relationship work, she's leaving him over some girl? Beck turns around and yells after her, "You're being ridiculous!"

"What do you care? I'm not your girlfriend anymore!" And then she's just gone.

* * *

Beck sighs as sits down on the curb outside the school. He checks his phone on the very unlikely chance that he missed a text from Cat. But there are only his unanswered texts.

 _come on. just tell me she's okay_

 _cat please_

i _miss her_

He stares at the screen for a few minutes, hoping Cat will take pity on him. But he knows it's not likely. Cat is Jade's best friend. Every fight they've ever had, Cat has always taken Jade's side. Most of the time he's glad Cat is so loyal. Jade needs that in her life, but right now, he'd appreciate a text. He perks up as his phone vibrates with a text from Andre. Maybe he found her since both Jade and Cat had been noticeably absent from all of their shared classes.

 _Can't find her. Sorry man_

He'd hoped that she'd just been avoiding him, but based on Andre's text and his thorough search of all her hiding places, he thinks she left right after their fight. He refuses to think of it as a breakup.

* * *

Jade takes a deep breath before lightly knocking on Beck's door. Her pride hopes he won't hear and she can turn around and drive away telling herself she tried, but the part of her that loves him refuses to let her leave. Then the door creaks as it opens. "Hi."

"What are you doing here, Jade?"

Jade stares at him. She can see relief in his eyes, but he keeps his face unreadable. "Aren't you going to let me in?"

"I thought you weren't my girlfriend anymore." There's a bitterness in his tone that Jade isn't used to hearing.

Jade breaks away from his eyes. "I'm sorry, okay?" She looks up and decides to just go for it. If she was going to ignore her pride, she might as well stomp all over it. "I should never have accused you of lying or picked a fight or broken up with you. I didn't mean it and it was stupid because I could have just talked to you and I'm sorry. And I love you."

Beck studies her face. He wants to see pain or desperation or something that tells him this tore her up inside the way it did him. "Did you even feel it?"

Jade's face scrunches up in confusion."Feel what?"

"We broke up- no, you dumped me. Two years down the drain. And it's been eating at me for the last two days. I haven't slept, I'm crying more hours than I'm not, and I'm stalking our friends trying to get you to talk to me." Beck looks her up and down disdainfully. Her hair is freshly washed, her makeup impeccable, blue hair extensions. Her eyes don't even look red or puffy. "And you look fine."

Jade takes a step forward. "Beck…"

He puts a hand up to stop her from coming closer. "Did you feel it? Did you feel your heart get ripped out of your chest? Because I did. You ruined a relationship we have spent years developing into something real and lasting. You threw it away without blinking."

"That's not what happened." He can't blame this all on her. Not like this.

"I don't think you felt it." Beck feels a dark chuckle escape. "God, if you didn't feel this, how do you even know you're in love with me?"

"I am in love with you. You know I am." Jade tried to reach for him again. If she could just sit down with him, reassure him, then this would all be fine.

Beck pulls his arm away before she can touch him. He shifts his eyes to stare at a point over her shoulder. He doesn't think he can say this while looking at her. "I can't get back together with you."

"What? Beck-" Jade feels like someone knocked the wind out of her.

"I'm sorry." Beck shakes his head and closes the door before she can push her way through.

* * *

Jade stands outside Tori's house as she debates whether she's really going to sink this low. She does not want to let Tori anywhere near her relationship with Beck, but Andre flat out refused to help her.

Jade thinks about Beck and the hurt in his eyes yesterday. Yes, she is really doing this. She looks down at the kite in her hand and touches the running makeup she spent an hour perfecting. With one last deep breath to solidify her resolve, she knocks on the door.

* * *

Jade can't believe the words coming out of Tori's mouth. She doesn't do nice things? A can of lemonade? What the hell did Beck tell her? Jade doesn't have long to think it over because Tori's talking about giving up.

Jade grabs her arm and drags her into the janitor's closet. Somehow by the time they both leave Jade has talked herself into buying Beck a dog. Beck hates dogs, but she can hardly admit that to Tori now.

* * *

Beck can't help the smile breaking through their kiss. Jade growls, "What?" She's enjoying kissing him and Tori just left and now he's ruining it.

Beck pulls back. "A dog? Really?" The thought makes Beck chuckle. He and Jade had always talked about adopting a cat, and he thinks it would have been a hell of a lot easier to have gotten the cat instead of this big dog.

"A can of lemonade?" Jade quirks an eyebrow.

"Point taken." Beck sighed. He tightens his grip around her waist. "All I wanted was this, us being us. I didn't want to break up or date anyone else. I just- I wanted to know we were still in love." He pauses as he works up the courage to admit, "That you were still in love."

Jade smiles up at him. "We are." She leans up to peck his lips. "Promise." As Beck searches her eyes he finds affection and some amusement staring back at him. He can't help the idiotic smile that comes over his face. It's the first time in a while that he's felt confident she loves him.

Jade pushes against his face as she says, "Ugh, stop being a cheeseball. It's gross." Beck just shakes his head with a laugh before leaning down to resume their kiss.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Let me know what you guys think. Enjoy!_

 _This may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

 **Wifi in the Sky**

Tori pauses as she sees Beck requesting to chat with her. She figures that Jade probably left and now Beck's being the nice guy he is and wants to finish the project with her, except that when Beck pops up on her screen, Jade is in the background. Wearing a towel.

"Hey, Tori. Do you still need help with the script?"

"Um, yeah." Tori can't rip her eyes from Jade's form.

Beck seems to notice her staring past him because he turns around. "Hey, babe, you're on camera."

Jade barely spares a glance towards the computer. "Whatever."

"So where are you?" Beck asks as he tries to draw Tori's attention back to him.

Tori tries to refocus on Beck. "Right, um, the mom just got sucked into the closet."

"Okay, so what if she ends up in Orge city?"

The next time Tori looks back over to where Jade had been, she finds the spot empty. At least she'll be able to focus now. "I like that."

Tori is starting to feel like they're getting into a good rhythm when Jade appears back on screen with wet hair and black pjs. She curls up and places her head on Beck's thigh. Her eyes flutter shut and one hand curls under his thigh as if he's an actual pillow.

"Tori?" Beck wants to call Tori out, but he also doesn't want to make Jade uncomfortable. She obviously just needs to be with someone right now and pointing out that Tori is watching them like they're a zoo exhibit will only make her feel like she can't be here. "Tori."

"Uh-huh." Beck rolls his eyes as Tori's eyes follow his hand as he runs his fingers through Jade's hair. It took six months for him and Jade to work out how this was supposed to work. He always wanted to know why she was upset and would get frustrated when she said nothing. Then she would get tired of arguing with him and just go home, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence the next day. He knew that it was creating a divide between them, so one day he just didn't ask. And she stayed all night watching movies with him and eating popcorn. Sure, she was a little quiet, but she was also feeding him popcorn and cuddling with him and trying to hide her smile when he whispered all the things he loved about them, as a couple, in her ear. "What page are we on?"

"Um, 9. Just one left." Beck sighs in relief. He doesn't think he can play nice with Tori too much longer.

"Great, so how about they all wake up and it was a dream?" It's the worst ending to a script he can possibly think of, but it will probably eat up a page and Tori can type it up without him. "You don't need me for that, right?"

Tori's mouth hangs open at Beck's abruptness. It kind of feels like he's annoyed with her, but she's never known Beck to be annoyed. "Um, yeah. I can do-" Beck's already left the chat before she can finish.

* * *

 **Cat's New Boyfriend**

Beck rolls over and reaches his hand out, hoping to pull Jade closer and nuzzle his head into her neck but her side of the bed is empty. He cracks an eye open and looks around his RV. She's not there. He feels around for his phone.

 _3:43 am_

Where the hell is she? Beck sits up and looks around again, making sure he didn't miss her the first time. "Jade?"

Beck stifles a yawn and scoots to the edge of the bed. He glances over to the bathroom door, but it's wide open and the light is off. Beck glances back to his phone to make sure he didn't miss a text from her saying that she had to go home or something, but there's nothing.

He climbs out of bed. Her phone is missing, its charger abandoned on the floor. Her boots aren't by the couch anymore. But her backpack is still by the door where she'd dropped it after school.

Beck pulls out his phone to call her, but it only rings once before going to voicemail. "Uh, hey babe. Just wondering where you are. Call me back." He feels a little rejected knowing that she rejected his call, but he's more concerned with where the hell she went at 3 am.

let me know you're okay. love you

Beck sits down on the couch and runs his fingers through his hair. There's no way he's going back to sleep before she gets back, so he grabs the remote and turns on the TV.

"Beck." Jade pokes him in the middle of his forehead. "Beck, wake up." She hadn't meant to worry him. She didn't think he'd wake up.

Beck groans as he opens his eyes. He must have fallen asleep watching Law and Order. "Jade?" As the fog clears from his head, he bolts up from the couch. "Jade." He pulls her up and wraps his arms around her. "Jesus, Jade." He kisses her crown. He can feel her fingers knotting into his tank top. He pulls back and scans her body, looking for any sign that she's not okay. Besides her eyes being a little red, he doesn't find anything.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

Beck pulls her back into his arms. "It's okay," he whispers into her hair. He wants to know why she left and where she was and what time it is, but he's okay with just holding her right now.

Jade leans out of his embrace but grabs his hand when he pouts. "Let's go to bed." Beck nods and lets her lead them over to his twin-sized bed. Jade plugs in her phone and rolls over to snuggle into Beck's side. "There's like 2 hours until we have to get up."

Beck nods as he runs his hand up and down her side. This is their usual position; her head against his chest and her leg thrown over his. But right now, it's not enough for him. "Roll over," he whispers.

Jade looks up at him, afraid he's rejecting her. "Why?" Does he not want to touch her? "Are you mad?"

Beck shakes his head and leans down to kiss her. "I'm not mad." He closes his eyes and holds his forehead against hers. He can feel her staring at him though. "Roll over." This time he moves onto his side so that she's forced to move. She doesn't seem to get what he wants though because she's rolled as close to the edge of the bed as she can get without falling off. He wants to laugh but knows that she wouldn't take it well right now. Instead, he reaches for her and tugs once he finds her hip.

She turns her head back towards him. "What?" She hisses. First, he didn't want to touch her and now he's being handsy.

"Come here," he says patiently. She moves back towards him a few inches, but she's not close enough. Beck scoots forward until his chest is pressed against her back. He winds his arm around her waist and kisses the back of her neck. For a minute, she just lays there, tense but then Beck feels her relax. Seconds later her hand finds his. She interlaces their fingers and brings their hands up to her mouth, kissing his fingers softly. "I love you," he mutters into her neck.

He thinks she might have said it back, but he's already half-asleep, so he can't be sure.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Thanks to my writing streak, here is a new chapter. :)_

 _This may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

 **Freak the Freak Out**

Beck lengthens his strides as he tries to catch up to Jade. She's determined to get into Hollywood Arts as soon as possible, and he knows why. She's been avoiding this conversation all morning. "Jade! Aren't you going to say something? You can't ignore me!"

Jade pushes the front doors open as she yells, "Not the place!" Beck watches as she walks over to her locker, barking at the couple making out next to it. He sighs and walks over to his own locker.

* * *

Beck glances at his phone as he waits for Jade to get out of the bathroom. She's been redoing her makeup for the last twenty minutes, but he doesn't want to say anything. With all the disappearing in the middle of the night, she's pretty cranky. He's pretty cranky too, actually.

He doesn't like waking up in the middle of the night to find his girlfriend missing. He doesn't like that it's becoming a routine for them. He still doesn't know where she goes or why because she refuses to tell him. Refuses to even have the conversation. He tries not to push her as a general rule. He knows that when she's ready she'll tell him, but he's getting sick of waiting for this explanation.

"Babe? Cat-" He calls out as he reads Cat's texts him asking when they're picking her up.

"In a minute!"

Beck rolls his eyes. He thinks that if he loved her less, this would be easier to let go. But he doesn't, so he has to remind himself to be patient.

* * *

Once they get home from Karaoke Dokie, Jade is exhausted. She kicks off her boots and collapses onto the bed. Beck waits to see if she'll find a second wind to change and wash her face. She doesn't though, so Beck goes into the bathroom and grabs a couple of her makeup remover wipes and walks back over to her. "Babe."

Jade groans, "Go away."

Beck takes her hands and pulls her into a sitting position. He hands her the wipes when it looks like she's going to stay sitting by herself. "You have to take off your makeup and get into pajamas, okay?" Beck doesn't wait for a response as he turns to his dresser. He grabs her black pj pants and her favorite black tank top to sleep in. When he turns around Jade is placing her used wipes on the ledge above his bed. "These?"

Jade nods and reaches for the clothing in his hands. Beck places them beside her instead and pulls her up next to him. He pulls at the zipper located on the side of her dress and then pulls the dress up and over her head. He figures that she can pull off her tights and slip into her pjs on her own, so he heads back to his dresser to get his own pjs.

Once he's changed, he turns around and Jade is already asleep on his side of the bed. He can't help the slight smile that overtakes his lips. He really does love her. And more than anything he wants her to be there when he wakes up in the morning.

He grabs the wipes off the ledge and throws them away before turning off the light and climbing into bed. He nudges Jade until she's on her side of the bed and then puts his arm around her waist.

* * *

Beck slowly opens and closes his eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness. He can't feel Jade beside him, but he can hear her. He forces his eyes to stay open and looks around. Jade is sitting on the floor in front of his bed. It doesn't sound like she's crying, but rather...choking?

"Babe?" Even with the little amount of light from the windows above his bed, he can see her shake her head. He sits up and moves closer to the edge of the bed. "Jade, what's wrong?" He can see her chest rapidly rising and falling. He thinks maybe she's having a panic attack. He slides off the bed and kneels in front of her. She's holding her head in her hands preventing him from seeing her face, so he gently takes her hands in his and pulls them away. Now that he can see her face, he can make out the tear tracks. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Jade shakes her head. "I'm sorry," she croaks.

"No, no. Don't be sorry." He doesn't know what to do. This has never happened before. "What's wrong?"

She shakes her head again and her breathing gets faster. Beck tries to ignore his fear that she'll pass out. "I can't breathe," she raps out.

"Okay. Okay," Beck mutters. He gives her hands a squeeze before laying them flat against his chest, right above his heart. "Keep your eyes on me." He takes a deep breath and holds it for a few seconds before letting it out.

After a few minutes of her trying to match his breathing, he's not worried she's going to pass out. However, she still can't take a deep breath. "We're going to go outside, okay?" He can't imagine this small, stuffy RV is helping anything, so they might as well try outside. She nods her head, but it seems disjointed.

He helps her stand up and walk over to the door. The door opens after a minute of fiddling with the handle and he helps her down the steps. She walks a couple feet ahead of him and collapses onto her knees, still fighting for air. He sits in front of her and tries to exaggerate his breathing again.

After twenty or so minutes, Jade's breathing has finally slowed down. It's not exactly even, but Beck will take what he can get. "Do you want to try to go back inside?" Jade shakily nods her head, so Beck helps her up. They take slow, but steady steps back to the RV. Jade collapses onto the bed immediately. Beck climbs in with her and hesitantly wraps his arm around her. "Is this okay?" She told him once in the heat of an argument that his arms around her and his skin against her's was suffocating. He learned later that it was dependent on her anxiety.

Jade nods and pulls his arm closer. "I love you," she whispers.

Beck kisses her shoulder. "It's going to be okay. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

 **The Diddly Bops**

Beck cracks one eye open and sees Jade staring at him from her pillow. "You're here."

"I'm here," Jade whispers back.

Beck honestly expected to wake up at 3 am and find her gone again. He's even started to get into the Law and Order reruns. But instead, there's light streaming into the RV and Jade is right here for the first time in three weeks. "I missed waking up next to you."

Jade rolls her eyes. "You're a sap."

He wants to ask her what happened. Why last night was different and where she goes and will she stay tonight? But he doesn't want to push. When he pushed the first week, she just avoided his questions and when that failed she grew angry. "You love me."

"Sometimes." Her voice is light and there's a playful glint in her eyes. "So breakfast."

Beck allows a small smile to tug at his lips. It's been a long time since they've gotten up early to make breakfast together. Either Jade isn't hungry or she's indifferent. Or not okay. "Eggs?"

Jade scrunches her face up. "Waffles, obviously."

Beck chuckles. "Obviously." When he doesn't make a move to get up right away, Jade pinches his arm. "Ow!"

"You're not moving."

Beck opens one eye. "Neither are you." Considering that she's draped over him, this feels like a pretty good argument. But it results in Jade getting out of bed and that's not what he meant to happen. "Babe."

"Waffles, Beck. Waffles." She doesn't wait for him. She's already plugging in the waffle maker.

Beck watches as she pushes her curls, which are more messy waves now, behind her ear as she digs around his cabinets. She's absentmindedly singing as she searches."Beck! I'm not making these alone like some housewife."

She seems okay, human even. He can't remember the last time she seemed human.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thanks to my writing streak, here is a new chapter. :)_

 _This may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

Wok Star

Beck glances around the almost empty hallway. He's waiting for Jade at her locker, but she's late. He notices a commotion in the janitor's closet. He peaks his head inside and sees Jade sitting on the ground cutting up a trash can.

He bites his tongue as he listen to Jade rant about her father coming to see her play. He doesn't like Mr. West. He's never liked Mr. West. Dislike is too weak a word for what he feels towards his girlfriend's father. But if he shared his thoughts in the janitor's closet, in the middle of the school day, with all of their friends surrounding them, he might not have a girlfriend at the end of the day.

* * *

Beck watches as Jade anxiously paces the length of his RV. He's been laying in bed, ready to go to sleep, watching her for the last hour and a half. She's talking, but she's not talking to him. She's just talking to talk. It's an attempt to keep her anxiety under control. Despite how ineffectual it appears, the talking and the pacing and the general obsessing over whatever is making her anxious does work to an extent.

Today she is obsessing about her play and her father coming to see her play. They've worked out a plan and everyone is clear on their parts, even Cat, so there shouldn't be any issues tomorrow. However, sometimes their life feels like some kid's comedy show, so who knows how tomorrow will actually go. "You know, he doesn't have to come."

She stops pacing and looks at him. It's almost like she forgot he was there. "He said he was coming. Do you think he won't show?"

"No. I just…" Beck sits up in the bed."I'm just saying that he doesn't have to come. You don't have to let him come. Your play is going to be amazing, whether he's in the audience or in a meeting in Paris, because you are fucking talented."

"What's your point?" There's an edge to Jade's tone. On any other day, she would be the first one to say that her dad is an asshole and that he can whine about how ungrateful she is somewhere else. But there are some days, like today, when she wants his approval. She wants to feel normal and loved unconditionally by her family. These days have been more frequent since Tori entered their lives.

"My point is that you are talented and you produce thought-provoking, entertaining material and he…." Beck takes a deep breathe. "He's an ass. He's not just an absentee father, he manipulates you, he says horrible things…"

"I didn't tell you about it so that you could use it against me."

"I'm not."

"That's what it feels like."

Beck runs his fingers through his hair. He's exhausted. It's 2am and the last thing he wants to do is get into a fight with Jade. "He's abusive." But he can't let this go.

"Oh my god."

Beck shakes his head. "He is. And you know he is. You've told me that he's abusive."

Jade whips around to glare at him. "I never told you he hits me."

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Beck waits, but she doesn't say anything. "You're a human being. I know that you don't feel like one most of the time, but you are. And you deserve to be treated like one." Beck waits for her to yell at him or storm out, but she just turns off the lights and crawls into bed. She shakes off his touch when he tries to put an arm around her. The rejection feels like a punch to the gut, but he doesn't want to make things worse, so he retreats to his side of the bed.

* * *

Beck turns the engine off and his truck goes silent. Jade is sitting silently next to him. She hasn't said a word since he picked her up from the theater. Tori seemed excited and proud when they all met up. She said that Jade's dad loved it.

"Are we going inside or sitting out here all night?" Beck glances up at the sound of her voice, but her expression is unreadable.

"Do you want to go inside?" Jade rolls her eyes as she gets out. She slams the passenger door before stomping into his RV. He takes a few seconds to himself before following her.

"So how did it go?"

"Didn't you hear Tori?"

"I don't care what Tori thought."

Jade pauses in her search for her pajamas to glance at him. "Do we have to act out a romcom tonight?" Jade continues to dig through his drawers. "I'm tired. I don't want to-"

"Stop." She's not listening to him, not even pretending to hear him as she keeps talking. "Stop," he yells. "We're going to fucking do this. We're going to talk about your dad and if this whole fucking night was worth it. I need to know."

Jade finally stands up and faces him, her hands on her hips. "What is wrong with you?"

"Was it worth it?"

"He said he liked it."

Beck clenches his jaw. "Was it worth it?"

"Stop asking me that. What does that even mean?"

"It means that I fucking missed the only night of your play, so that he could sit in that audience and give you his approval so that you could feel loved by him. And now I want to know if it was worth it. I want to know that I missed your play, that I didn't get to sit there and kiss you afterwards and tell you how much better it was in real life than in my head for a damn good reason. So was it worth it?" Jade meets his glare with steel behind her eyes.

"No." Nothing changes with that admission. She doesn't cry or deflate or get angry. She just stands there.

"No?"

"It didn't feel like anything. His approval didn't feel like anything."

Beck nods. "Okay." He runs his fingers through his hair as Jade returns to digging through his drawers. "They're in the hamper."

"Why are they in there?" Jade grouchily calls on her way to the bathroom. "It's not laundry day."

Beck looks around his RV. "My mom must have picked up." Beck steps out of his jeans and pulls off his shirt.

Jade's head pops out of bathroom. "She what?" Beck gestures to the room around him. Nothing is on the floor. Clothing is folded on the couch. "I thought we-"

"We did." Beck walks in behind her and reaches for his toothbrush.

Jade finishes pulling her tanktop on. "Then what was she doing in here?" Beck shrugs through a mouth full of toothpaste. He spits and rinses his toothbrush off, so that Jade can brush her teeth.

"I'll talk to her again, okay?" Jade nods. He stares at her in the mirror. "I'm sorry. I wish I had been there."

Jade spits out the toothpaste and looks back up at him through the mirror. "Me too."


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: i think I might do bonus chapters after I finish this for the episodes I skipped. We'll see. Enjoy!_

 _T_ _his may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

A Film by Dale Squires

Beck stretches his arm out. His eyes fly open. "Jade? Are you…" He trails off as he glances around. She's not here. Again. He groans and rubs his eyes. He thought that this was over with, but then all week she'd just been gone. She comes back before dawn, but never leaves a note or a text. He finds himself wondering how many times he's slept through her disappearing act if she doesn't bother to leave a note.

He pulls himself from his bed, taking his comforter with him, and plops down on the couch. He turns the TV on and flicks through the channels until he finds Law and Order. He fell asleep during this episode last time so at least he'll get to find out who the killer is this time.

* * *

The RV door creaks as Jade lets herself inside. Infomercials fill the otherwise silent room. She slips the keys onto their hook. Jade glances over to see the bed empty and guilty glances towards the couch. He must have fallen asleep waiting for her.

She walks over to the couch and takes a moment to watch him. She hates when he wakes up in the middle of the night. He's not supposed to know when she leaves. "Beck." She nudges his arm. He rolls towards the couch. "Beck," she says with her usual volume. Screw this whisper bullshit.

"I'm trying to sleep."

"Come sleep in the bed." Jade tugs on his arm.

"Jade?" Beck cracks one eye open. "God, Jade. You can't keep doing this." Beck sits up and buries his face in his hands as he tries to adjust to being awake.

"We can talk about it later, just come to bed."

Beck shakes his head. "We're going to talk about it now."

"Beck, it's 4am. We have filming tomorrow. Today. Whatever." Jade rakes her fingers through her hair. She just wants to go to bed and pretend this didn't happen.

"I can't keep waking up in the middle of the night to find my girlfriend gone." He reaches up to gently grasp her hand. "I need to talk about this. Now."

Jade rolls her eyes, but sits next to him on the couch. When he doesn't say anything, she impatiently gestures for him to continue. "Talk."

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

Beck raises an eyebrow. "You're going for a walk? It's not safe-"

"I'm not stupid. I take your car."

His brow furrows. "My car? You're taking my car?" How did he not notice his keys missing? "Where?"

"I just drive."

"Are you filling up my tank too?" He definitely would have noticed if his truck was running low in the morning.

"I don't drive that far," Jade grumbles. Why can't he just let this go?

"So you are going somewhere."

"I park at this hilltop that overlooks some of the city."

Beck runs his fingers through his greasy hair. "Why? What are you doing?"

"I just sit there." Jade leans her head back and closes her eyes. "Can we go to bed now?"

"Why do you go?"

Jade sighs. "I just do." A pause. "Please, Beck. I just want to go to sleep." She's exhausted, physically and mentally and she just wants her boyfriend to stop interrogating her.

"No. I've been waiting for months to talk about this. What do you do up there? Is there another guy?"

Jade's eyes shoot open. "What? No."

"A girl?" He knows he's the only person Jade has seriously dated, but he also knows Jade could easily fall for a girl as much as a guy.

"No. Beck, there's no one else. It's just me up there."

Beck shakes his head. "Then why won't you tell me what's going on?" They've never had secrets like this between. Their relationship was based on honesty, sometimes cruel honesty, but honesty nonetheless.

"Can't you just leave it alone?" Jade roughly rakes her fingers through her hair. She can't keep doing this with him.

"No, I can't. Clearly." Beck turns his body more to face her. "Why are you suddenly keeping secrets? Do you want to break up? Because if you do, just tell me. I'm a-"

Jade interrupts, "The answer is I don't know! Okay?"

Beck mouth hangs open. He knows he said it, but he didn't think the answer was yes. How could she want to throw away their relationship? "You want to- Are we breaking up?"

Jade glances up sharply. "What? You want to break up?" Was this finally it? He'd been putting up with her for so long. She'd never believed he would stick around forever, no matter what he claimed, but she wasn't ready for him to leave her yet. He couldn't just break up with her in the middle of the night.

Beck studies her face carefully. Why does she look panicked? She's the one breaking up with him. "You just said-"

Jade shakes her head as Beck's words come to her. She hadn't really been listening while he was rambling. "I meant that I don't know what I'm doing when I go up there."

"Oh." Beck felt the tightness in his chest release. They weren't breaking up. Everything else would work itself out as long as they weren't breaking up.

Jade takes a deep breath as she tries to work through her muddled thoughts. "I just- Sometimes I can't breathe in here."

"Panic attacks?" Beck thought that he had helped last time, so why was she hiding them from him? He wanted to be able to help her through this stuff. He couldn't fix it or erase it, but he wanted to help her through the symptoms.

Jade shrugged. "Not exactly." She leans her head back and closes her eyes as she tries to recall the feeling from just a few hours ago. "It just feels like I'm trapped or like- I don't know. I just can't stay here. So I go for a drive and I go to that hill and I look at the lights and…"

Beck waits for her to complete her thought, but when she shrugs and brings her hands up to her face, he prompts her, "And?"

"I don't know, Beck." She turns to meet his eyes. "I don't know." She doesn't know why she's doing it or if it even helps. She can't explain this to him because she can't even explain it to herself.

Beck sees the exhaustion and confusion and defeat in her eyes. "Okay." He wraps his hand gently around the back of her neck. "It's okay." He guides her closer as he leans in to drop a kiss on her head. She burrows into his side and he wraps his arm around her. There's a comfortable silence that overtakes them. Then, "Do you want to watch Law and Order with me?"

Jade fists her fingers into his t-shirt. "Yeah, okay."


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Enjoy!_

 _T_ _his may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

 **Sleepover at Sikowitz's**

Beck pauses outside his door as he hears a noise. He unlocks the RV door cautiously and pokes his head inside. The someone is Jade and the noise is her sobbing.

He pushes through the door and it slams behind him without care for the fact that it's 4am. He rushes towards the bed. "Jade, what's wrong?" She shifts slightly and he catches sight of the bandages on her hand. "Is it your hand? Is that from the pan? Did you go to the emergency room?" She's sobbing too hard to answer any of his questions. He should never have stayed at Sikowitz's. Or he should have called her, made sure she was okay. He lets the guilt swirl inside his gut, but he knows. He knows that this has nothing to do with her hand or the acting challenge.

He stands up and pulls his tweed jacket and pulls off his uncomfortable shoes. He climbs into the bed behind Jade. She rolls over and buries her face into his chest. Her fingers curl into his dress shirt and he's pretty sure a button might pop off under that much strain, but he just kisses her head and runs his fingers through her hair. "I'm right here, okay? You're not alone."

She cries for another two hours. There's no point in trying to talk to her because she can't even slow down enough to breathe. Once her sobs turn to whimpers and her breathing only hitches occasionally, he kisses her forehead and squeezes her hand before getting up. He unbuttons his shirt as he walks into the bathroom. He leaves it in the hamper and grabs a couple pills from the cabinet. He walks over to the fridge and grabs a water bottle on his way back to his bed. Jade is still curled up in a ball. "Hey," he whispers. Her eyes glance up to his face. "Take these, okay?" He puts the advil and water on the ledge above the bed when it looks like Jade might be unwinding from her ball.

He turns away from her to take off his dress pants and grab a pair of sweatpants from his closet. Comfortable enough, he walks back over to his bed and climbs in behind a once again curled up Jade. He presses himself against her back and props his head up on his arm, so he can see part of her face. He lazily drags his nails up and down Jade's arm hoping it'll help her relax enough to fall asleep.

His hopes don't last long because soon enough her breathing starts to get faster and he can feel her shaking against him. Sometimes she can fall asleep and sometimes the thoughts in her head are too much. "I'm here, okay? I'm here." He kisses her shoulder and then the top of her head. "Let's play a game. How about last letter?" Beck drags his hand up and down her arm as he waits. She's still shaking, but it's not as bad as it was earlier. "It's my turn to go first. I choose movies, okay? Ghost."

She doesn't say anything. She's silent so long that if he had been anyone else, he would have been severely uncomfortable. But he knows her, so he waits. The shaking starts to come in waves and then he hears her gravelly voice say, "The Scissoring."

Beck chuckles and places a kiss on her shoulder. "That does not count."

He feels her nod. "Does too."

"Fine, but just this once." That's a lie. They only play this game when she can't stop crying, so he'll never enforce any of the rules or count points because this isn't about winning. It's about drowning out the voices in her head. It's about getting her through the night. "Grease."

* * *

 **Beggin' on Your Knees**

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because."

"Because…" Jade drawls.

Beck sighs and reaches for the remote. He pauses the show they're watching and turns to look at his girlfriend. "Because assholes like that are the reason you don't believe me when I say I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

"Oh."

Beck watches her, but she makes no move to say anything else, so he presses play and turns his attention back to their show. Beck feels a small smile touch his lips as Jade moves close enough to drape her legs over his lap. He lets his hand fall to her thigh and immediately starts drawing shapes. This is enough for him. She doesn't have to be the best at words or feelings, she just has to be committed to their relationship.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Shout out to reviewers! This story is really personal to me, so I love to hear your thoughts._

 _T_ _his may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

 **Prom Wrecker**

Beck wrestles with his suitcase as he tries to unlock his door. It's almost midnight and all he wants to do is sleep. While he enjoys visiting his family in Canada, the jetlag never gets better.

His door gives way, finally, and he pushes through it. He flicks the lights on and drops his bag. He can unpack tomorrow. He turns to his bed and then freezes. Jade is in his bed. In a prom dress. He walks over quiety, thinking that she must be asleep. But as he gets closer he can see that her eyes are wide open and blood shot. Beck glances over to where she's staring but there's nothing.

"Babe?" She doesn't respond. She doesn't even look at him.

Beck takes a moment to reassess. The dark teal dress is wrinkled like someone forgot to line dry it after putting it through the wash. Black heels are strapped to Jade's feet.

He could have sworn that the prom was a couple days ago, but it must have been tonight. Beck reaches out to gently rub Jade's arm. He needs to get her out of these clothes and maybe make some food before they go to sleep, but when his hand lands on her arm he pulls back. Her skin is cold. Unnaturally cold, even for Jade. That's when it clicks. The prom was a couple days ago and Jade hasn't moved in two days.

"Jade. You need to stand up, okay?" Beck take both of her hands. "1, 2...3." She doesn't move. "That's okay. I've got you." Beck takes off his jacket and throws it on the end of his bed. He rolls up his sleeves and works Jade's heels off. Then maneuvers her into his arms. He carries her into the bathroom. He should have thought this through because he can't turn the shower on while holding Jade.

After a few minutes of struggling, he finally gets the water on and turned to hot. He gives the water 5 minutes to heat up before he carefully steps into the shower with Jade. He can feel the water soaking through his clothes as he lets her down slowly, leaning her against the wall. When Beck is sure that she won't fall, he reaches for the side zipper on her dress. "We're going to take this off, okay?" The dress sticks to her, but he manages to roll it down to her ankles. He crouches down and lifts one foot at a time. Once the dress is off Beck tosses it out of the shower. He can deal with that later. He unsnaps her bra and peels off her soaked underwear. They follow her dress.

He stands in front of Jade trying to make eye contact, but she's just staring through him. "Let's sit down, okay?" Beck helps her down onto the floor. He turns the temperature up knowing that the further she is from the shower head the cooler the water will be. He glances at her shampoo and conditioner before impulsively grabbing them.

His shoes squeak as he kneels next to her. He rubs her arms trying to warm her. Her skin isn't cold to the touch anymore, but he's sure the hot water has more to do with that than he does. He tilts her head back into the water making sure that her hair is soaked. Then he reaches for her shampoo. He tries his best to lather her hair, but he can tell by how difficult it is that she hasn't showered in days. He washes the shampoo out and shifts their positions so that her back isn't under the water, then he works the conditioner into the ends of her hair. Almost immediately, he rinses the conditioner out. He knows that he should leave it in longer, but this isn't an ideal situation for proper hair care.

Jade is starting to feel hot under the water, so he stands up to turn it off. "We're going to get out. Ready?" He takes both her hands and pulls. This time she stands with his help. He helps her step out and wraps her in a towel hanging on the bathroom door.

He takes the time to run the towel over her body until she's almost completely dry. He sits her down on the closed toilet. When he reenters the bathroom he has her underwear, a pair of her sweatpants, and his Hollywood Arts sweatshirt. "Arms up." He pulls the sweatshirt on over her head, pulls her arms through, then pulls her hair out. "One foot at a time." He pulls her underwear and then pants up.

Beck plugs in his hair dryer and starts to dry her hair. Once he can feel that only the ends are damp, he turn off the hair dryer and pulls Jade up. He walks her back to his bed and helps her lay down. He pulls the blankets over her. She's still staring at nothing but at least she's clean, warm, and not in formal wear.

Beck peels off his wet clothes and hangs them up in the bathroom with Jade's dress. He hesitates as he passes his small kitchen. He wants to make her food because he's pretty confident that she hasn't eaten in two days. But he doesn't think he could get her to eat right now. And he's really freaking tired.

Beck decides that food is tomorrow's problem. He pulls on his own pjs and climbs into bed with Jade. He tries to stay awake until she falls asleep, but his eyes flutter closed against his will a half hour later.

* * *

Beck glances at his phone as Tori and Andre laugh about something. He's already pushed aside his lunch and now he's just waiting for Jade to text him back. He thinks she slept a couple hours last night and she ate most of a frozen waffle this morning (he'll take what he can get). They'd hadn't talked about whether she should go to school today. In fact, Jade isn't really talking. After the waffle, he'd set up snacks and water on his night stand and left her in his bed with a promise that he'd be back after school and to text him.

He still doesn't know what happened at prom, but he doesn't know if it matters. Maybe something triggered it this time, but this is hardly new. Sometimes Jade stops being a functioning human. She doesn't go to school, she doesn't get out of bed, she doesn't eat.

Tori pulls him from his thoughts as she says, "Beck, you should have been there!"

"Been where?"

"The prome! It was so much fun."

Beck glances back to his phone. He still hasn't heard from Jade. Although he knows better than to get his hopes up. "Prom's not really my thing."

"Ugh, is that because of Jade? Because she was such a gank. Everyone else had an amazing time."

Beck glances up sharply. "What do you mean?"

Andre seems a little suspicious of his answer, but Tori takes the opportunity to complain about Jade without the girl herself there to intimidate her. "She tried to ruin the whole thing. There was this freaky video and she hired some creepy diaper guy, but that just backfired on her since he ended up following her around all night. But seriously, if she'd just relaxed, she might have had some fun. What a concept." Tori rolls her eyes.

"A guy in a diaper followed her around all night?" Beck isn't even trying to keep the edge out of his voice. Maybe it doesn't matter what triggered Jade, but their friends leaving her to a fucking creep all night does matter.

"She was fine, man. We were looking out for her." Andre pipes up. He knows how protective Beck can be and he did try to keep an eye on Jade.

Tori is oblivious though. "Are you kidding? She totally disappeared halfway through and thank god."

Andre watches Beck clench his jaw. "I mean she left early, but she was fine while she was there." Beck doesn't look reassured.

"Where is Jade anyway?" Tori glances around the asphalt cafe, but looks to Beck when she doesn't find Jade.

"She's sick," Beck spits out.

"Oh. Well it did rain on prome and and everyone-."

Beck stands abruptly. He grabs his bag as he curtly says, "I'm going home."

"You're skipping?" Tori squeaks.

Beck doesn't bother to respond as he throws his lunch out on the way to the parking lot.


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: I love to hear your thoughts, so please review!_

 _T_ _his may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

 **Tori Tortures Teacher**

Beck watches as Jade slams the car door behind her. "So how did it go?"

"Fine." Jade slouches into her seat and stares out the window.

"What did you talk about?"

Jade looks over to Beck. "I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to ask me that."

Beck runs his fingers through his hair. "Well, give me something. You've been going to therapy for a month and I feel like I know nothing about it." Jade had been oddly quiet about the whole ordeal and he didn't know what to make of it.

Jade rests her head against the back of the seat as she studies the roof of Beck's truck. "It's fine. She's fine. It's all fine."

"Do you feel like it's helping?" Jade shrugs. "Jade." They were supposed to be in this together. They're a team and the only way they've even made it this far was because she was open with him. If she'd just closed off with no explanation, he's not sure he could have stayed with her despite how much he loves her. But she didn't. She let him in and she can't just shut him out now.

"I don't get how therapy is supposed to work."

Beck blinks as he tries to catch up with her. "What?"

"I go in, talk for an hour about who knows what, and then I leave. How is that supposed to fix me?"

"It's not supposed to fix you. You're not broken." Jade rolls her eyes. She's definitely broken. "It's supposed to help."

"Yeah but how?" Jade watches Beck. "Everyone keeps saying that, but I don't see it."

Beck pauses as he tries to figure out the right answer. Truth be told, he doesn't know a lot about therapy. It's just something he knows you do. "Well, it- um- helps you with coping methods. And you know dealing."

"I'm coping on my own."

Beck mutters under his breath, "Not well."

"She says slow down, reflect, practice mindfulness." Her impression of her therapist is only a coin toss away from her Tori impression. Normally, he would be amused, but with this. "I already do that. You know I do that through my writing. And she wants me to drink tea and warm milk and take melatonin."

"You don't like tea or milk."

Jade throws her arms in the air. "I know." Finally, someone who believes her. The therapist had demonstrated quite well through her disapproving stare that she thought Jade was just being difficult.

"Why does she want you to take melatonin?"

"For my sleep." Jade huffs as she puts her feet up. "It's this pill that's triggered by light and sunset and it'll make me sleepy."

"Okay, we can pick some up at CVS." Her sleep hasn't been that bad lately, but his stomach still knots up when he remembers how she used to disappear in the middle of the night.

"I don't want it." Beck groans and drops his head against the seat. "I don't want to take something to make me sleep. I don't like it." Jade pulls scissors out of her boot. "I don't even take Nyquil PM."

"I know, but you have to at least try."

"I'm going, aren't I?"

Beck resists the urge to sigh. When Jade had originally agreed to therapy a couple months ago, he'd been ecstatic. But nothing had come of it and he wasn't sure what to do. Everyone always said the way to get better was to get help, go to therapy. Well, she did, now what? "Do you even say anything or do you just sit there in silence?"

"I talk." Beck gives her a disbelieving look. "What am I supposed to talk about? What do you even accomplish one hour every week? You go in and you inevitably end up summarizing what happened since your last appointment, then you leave. You end up talking about nothing. What good does that do?" What part of talking to a complete stranger is going to make her not depressed? She gets seeing a psychologist for a diagnosis, she gets going to a psychiatrist for medication. But therapy? Therapy makes no sense.

"Babe-"

"I'm hungry and I really want a coffee, so can we stop with the guilt trip and interrogation?" She's tired, depression tired. She needs to read a book or watch a show because if she has to live in her own head any longer, she's going to spiral.

Beck leans back as he studies his girlfriend. That wasn't his intention. He just wants her to get help. And he wants to be a part of that process. "Fine."

Beck starts the engine and pulls out of the parking lot. He doesn't say anything the rest of the drive and neither does she. He wants to help and he wants her to get better, but he gets whiplash from it all. One day, she's clinging to him and the next she can't push him away fast enough. What is he supposed to do?


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Heads up: There might be a longer wait for the next chapter. Please review, thanks everyone!_

 _T_ _his may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

 **Jade Gets Crushed**

"It was your idea!" Jade yells, frustrated.

Beck winces. It's 2 am and the RV may be bulletproof, but it's not soundproof. "I didn't mean you should hang out with him until two in the morning." Andre had dropped off Jade an hour ago. He'd walked her to the RV, both of them laughing together, and then hugged her.

"'Come on, Jade. This will be good for you. You never hang out with Andre anymore. You need to socialize.'" Beck's not allowed to insist she hang out with their friend and then get mad when she does.

"I know what I said, okay?" Beck uncurls his fist, so he can run his fingers through his hair.

"Then why are you mad at me? I didn't do anything you don't do."

"I'm mad because he likes you now." Jade was an amazing person to know, but most people never took the time, so he didn't have a lot of experience with other people appreciating her the way he did. After he and Jade started dating, it had taken him months of jealousy to accept that Cat knew Jade, really knew her, and she wasn't willing to give up any of their friendship just because he was Jade's boyfriend.

"That's not my fault!"

"So what? You get to be jealous of Tori because she has a crush on me, but I can't be jealous of Andre?" Beck ignores her eye roll. "That's a little hypocritical, don't you think?" He knows that Jade's jealousy when Tori first arrived was entirely for show, but there have been moments since then when Jade was undeniably jealous.

"It's not the same thing. I never kissed Andre. I don't flirt with Andre." Jade doesn't care if he's jealous, but blaming her? That's going too far. "Hell, I barely see Andre!"

"It's not my fault you can't act like a human being long enough to make friends!" Beck eyes grow wide as the last word leaves his mouth. "I'm sor-"

"Don't," Jade growls. "I know that you don't always understand, but I never thought you would shame me for something I can't control."

Beck reaches his hand out, but before he can even decipher what he was trying to do she's taken a step back from him. "I was just upset."

"Do you really feel that way?"

"No!" He knew it wasn't her. Out of the two of them, he was the only one who could confidently say that her illness wasn't her.

"Have you been repressing all of these feelings? Do you think if I was more positive- Do you think I'm ungrateful? Oh my god."

Beck shakes his head as he hears her start to spiral. "No, no. You know I don't think that. I never have."

"God, you've just been sitting there biting your tongue for two years. How could you never tell me this?"

"There was nothing to tell! I don't feel that way. I didn't mean it. I was just upset and jealous and it just came out."

"Yeah, a Freudian slip." Jade curls into herself as she starts to pace. "I can't believe you hid this from me. All of the things I've told you- all of the things you've seen-" She feels like she might throw up.

"I didn't hide anything. I don't think that it's your fault. I know it's an illness. I know." She's not listening to him. He can feel it as she paces back and forth in front of him. She's entirely in her own head. "Jade, Jade." Her eyes flit up to his as she pauses. "I love you. I didn't mean it. I don't think it's your fault. I love you, okay?" She doesn't look convinced and his hands are starting to feel clammy. "I would never have stayed with you if I thought it was because you were ungrateful or negative."

"Oh, really?" Beck replays his words as he tries to hear what caught her attention. "So you don't love me unconditionally?"

Shit. "No, I do."

"But you would leave me if I wasn't bubbly enough? Or if I wasn't grateful enough? What other things would you leave me over?" Jade shakes her head. What else was he hiding from her?

"I wouldn't! I want you, us." He can feel this conversation getting worse and worse, but he doesn't know how to get himself out of the hole he dug.

"But on your terms, right?" Jade rakes her fingers through her hair, unsure what to do with this new information.

Beck shakes his head as he tries to figure out how they got here, to this point where it feels like their relationship might fall apart in front of his eyes. "No, no, no." He looks into her eyes and with absolute conviction says, "No." There are a lot of things about his future that he's uncertain about, but their relationship isn't one of them. "I want you on any terms. I want us on any terms." She's at least looking at him while he talks. "I said something stupid and hurtful and I'm so sorry. But that's all it was. I don't blame you. It's real and it's valid and it's not in your control and it breaks my heart. That's how I feel about it."

Jade watches his eyes and face as she tries to determine if he's being honest. She doesn't think she can handle it if he's not. "Okay."

"Okay?" He asks softly, afraid that he'll scare her off somehow. He's never felt so close to losing her so often. Over the last year, he's felt in his bones that they could breakup, that she could leave over any one of these fights. Not to punish him or for attention, but because he could betray her trust so completely by saying the wrong thing. In her mind, if he doesn't get it after two years, then she's let him see something so shameful that she could never bear to stay with him. Not if he doesn't get it.

Jade nods. "Okay."


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: Next chapter will include Cade friendship. I've been neglecting that relationship too long. Please review, thanks everyone!_

 _T_ _his may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression._

* * *

 **A Christmas Tori**

Jade glances around the RV. "You don't want me to stay?" She hasn't been here as often because of the cricket, but the cricket was gone now.

Beck can hear the fear in her voice, but he's too tired to do this with her. "I just want to sleep, Jade. It's not about you."

"You can't sleep with me here?" Jade crosses her arms and takes a step away from Beck.

"No, that's not- I just- Jade, I love you, but I also haven't slept in weeks and all I want to do is crawl into bed."

"So? Let's go to bed."

Beck groans as he sits down on his bed and covers his face with his hands. "Jade, please-"

"Please what? I'm not doing anything wrong."

"I never said-"

"You didn't have to. You don't want me anymore."

Beck's eyes snap up to her's. "What? No. I want you. I love you." Beck watches as Jade's body softens the tiniest bit. "This has just been a really awful week and I'm tired."

"You keep saying that."

"Well, you're not listening to me!" Beck groans as he stands up. "I can't do this with you right now. My parents-" Beck takes a deep breath. Now is not the time. "I've had a horrid week and I haven't slept in god knows how long. And now? Now I'm standing here fighting with my girlfriend when all I want is to sleep. Do you get that? I don't have the energy to make you feel better right now. I need to sleep for at least 12 hours and then I need to do something fun, relaxing. I'll probably call Andre, see if he wants to hang out, talk about nothing, Maybe we'll all get together at Tori's and watch movies. And then I'm going to come home and go to sleep early. That's what I need right now, okay? I need to be a teenager whose biggest worry is what I got on my midterms." Beck takes a ragged breath as he finally looks at Jade.

She's shaking. "None of that includes me." Beck watches as she blinks away tears. "You resent me."

"I didn't say that." He doesn't want to fight with her anymore. He doesn't have the energy.

"But it's true. Look at us." She gestures to the RV around them. "I keep you locked away in here all day, every day. You have to beg me to go out, to see our friends. You make me eat and do my laundry. You listen to me cry and talk me through panic attacks." She brings her hand to her mouth and makes a choking sound. "God, I'm not even your girlfriend anymore."

Beck shakes his head as he tries to follow her thoughts. They're spiraling so quickly he can't even process them. "Of course you are."

"I'm just someone you take care of."

"No." Yes. But not the way she means it. He loves her, he wants to be with her. That's why he takes care of her. It's not out of some obligation or pity or whatever it is that she's implying. "You take care of me too. We take care of each other. That's what a relationship is."

Jade shakes her head. "No, I don't. Not anymore."

He wants to refute her statement. Prove to them both that she's putting just as much into their relationship as he is, but it's not true and it hasn't been for a while and he can't lie to her. "Jade, I- Can we please talk about this later?"

Jade wipes away her tears. She nods jerkily. "You need to sleep. I'm just going to-" Jade picks up her bag from the floor at her feet. She walks over to him and kisses him on the cheek. "I'll talk to you at school." She tries to make a quick escape, but Beck grabs her hand and turns her around.

He rubs his thumb over her hand. "We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" There's no reason for them to wait until Monday to talk at school. "I'll call you before I meet Andre." Jade refuses to meet his eyes. "Hey," Beck seeks out her eyes. "This isn't about you, okay? I just need some time for me." Jade nods jerkily and tries to pull her hand away. Beck tightens his grip. He can see that she's not listening to him. She's taking this as a rejection of her and their relationship. "Maybe you can call Cat. She misses you." Beck makes a note to text Cat before he goes to bed. Jade will never reach out to her, so he'll make sure Cat does.

Jade pulls hard and her hand slips from his. "I'll see you Monday." And then she's gone.


End file.
